e
m
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Tried to take a picture; Of love
I wanna fill this new frame; But it's Empty
Ebel Yong
22years old
1.7m, 52kg
17th Jan 1987[Birthday]
4th June 2006[Spiritual]
Believes that waiting will creates miracle
I wanna fill this new frame; But it's Empty
{/profile --
ramblings of a young adult
Ebel Yong
22years old
1.7m, 52kg
17th Jan 1987[Birthday]
4th June 2006[Spiritual]
Believes that waiting will creates miracle
Tried to write a letter; In ink
I've got a piece of paper; But it's Empty
7more days to Thailand.
Seriously, I'm excited with it, and I doubt I be able to enjoy myself. Meeting on Thursday, Sunday be doing conversation. Which means I'm able to attend meeting, but not conversation. Out of a sudden, I don't feel like going anywhere.
I'm tired, I'm just tired. I don't feel like blogging. I wanna be left alone, so does YOU.
Was a very tired day yesterday. Indeed tired. Maybe because these few days I didnt sleep early, plus talking over the phone with Matt till late, and waking up early in the morning. Didnt blame Matt over it, but instead blaming myself. Cause I know its gonna be a very shag week, but I choose to stay up and chat over the phone.
Anyway, was fasting yesterday. 6am - 6pm. I already endure till I can't take it, finally take my first bite of food at 530pm. I know its only 1/2hr more to break fast, but I don't know why I choose to eat.
Mum cook lunch yesterday. Its so tempting to eat, but I rush out and choose not to see the food. Walking thru City Link, there's my favourite, SAKAE!! And lots of nice food.. But I choose to walk fast and pass thru it fast. Cause I know they're trying to tempt me and I know I will endure till the end.
Reach shop, after briefing, was rushing to do conversation. Turn the whole shop upside down just for today mid year sales. I was busy doing shifting and she's busy looking at the transfer list, and the cashier counter chatting over the phone. And I was left alone at the selling floor. Which I don't like. And to be frank, I cant be bother to serve customer. So I ended up doing whatever I want to do till 530pm and I sign out for my very first meal.
My day was really bad. I don't know why! Maybe because... Never mind. Anyway, my leave approve, there's a transfer list. Seriously, I don't like the arrangement. I'm going overseas, and they sent a under probation senior for me. Which means, I'm not safe to pass him my shop. But thankful enough that I'm in In-Base. There's alot of other incharges in the shop. I believe they'll help me to see see look look.
I'm pretty excited about my trip. And I'm sorry YingYan Hunnie, can't turn up for your boy 1year old. I don't know how much I gonna enjoy, and I'm scare that I will spend like hell there. There's alot of shopping list coming out with, and lotsa friends presents I gonna buy for.. I think I gonna be broke..
Anyway, mum bought me a new cupboard to put my stuffs, I'm HAPPY please! Finally its much more bigger then the one I'm using it, PLUS! Its PINK! Which I hate it. Aww.. I'm happy!
I really wanna get out of here right now.. Someone please bring me along with you.. I need a break urgently.. 1st Sept, quick come..
Thank You.
And yes, I'm going over to Thailand! Leave approve after so long, and we manage to grab our air tickets.. Cool man. I've been waiting for SOOOO long. And yes, once again we're going to Thailand.
So yeah, depart from Singapore 0815hr on 1st Sept 06' and depart from Thailand on 4th Sept 06' around 1615hr. I'm pretty excited.. Cause my darling gonna make this trip perfect. All thanks to her for making the effort to go around the agent finding a air ticket that depart very early. (: And everything she's done, I love her more.
Blah, time to shower and gonna go work. Gonna be late...
Every day reminisce with the past of a love that we thought would last. How we used to be when it was you and me how did it all disappear so fast? There are days that I can't forget, there are things that I now regret. I was there for you when you were there for me and I was thinking we were set. Every night when I'm laying in my bed I hear your voice going round in my head think of all the things I could have done and all those things I could have said I really will make it up to you. I know now what I've got to do, it took time but now I've realised how much I'm missing you.
You know that it's true. Every time I see your face I miss you baby. You know that it's you I want to let you know you're driving me crazy I'd do anything to help you to see. I don't think you understand what you're doing to me you know that it's true. Every now and then I want to call you baby you know that it's you, I say a prayer that you'll come back to me. Life ain't anything alone, can't you see you're an angel in my eyes, everyday you're closer to me
mon - full
tues - morning
wed - full
thur - afternoon
fri - off
sat - 1/2m
sun - afternoon
what a shag shift. what's worst is that tues there will be meeting after closing of shop. which means after 730pm - 1030pm i've nothing to do!? oh man... shag.. shag.. shag..
I'm sorry.
Was wondering what happen to me recently. Mood being real down. Suddenly, I just feel that the world is dying, everyone seems to be strangers to me, and I feel so lonely. And for no reason, I just broke down and cry.
Everything seems to be fine between me & darling. But until today, she told me all the craps I've done towards her. Somehow I feel so down, and cried while on the way to town. Yes, inside the MRT train. Was wondering what's really wrong with me. And what's worst, I cancel the trip to Thailand just because of this minor accident.
Been thinking alot recently. The changes I've with me after I've receive Christ in my life. Getting trasnfer, probation SSA1, learn more things, and of course, get the recongisation that I really want. Outshine others. God been very faithful to me, answering all my prayers, but did I do the same to Him?
And I worship You Lord, my life in You restored. Here is my heart, make it Your sanctuary, for nobody else, but Jesus only You. You are faithful and true, glorious Lord. All my life it is You I adore, You've touched my soul, completed my world, I surrender to You.
Forgive me, I'm just not myself these few days. I need a break. I really need a break.. I'm breaking and falling apart soon.. I need someone to lean on.. Will You be here right by my side?
Just yesterday, you were looking up to me. And, You would ask me what I thought. But now I'm sitting here all alone with my tears. Looking at my life, that I've bought. Where did I go? My eyes, they will show. And little me please forgive me. I couldn't see you hurting inside.
You took your love away, too fast. Left no chance to say, look back. And now I know the truth, it makes it easier. You threw it all away, so blind. Pushed me far from you in your life. Now I know the tears wont lead to loneliness. Maybe when time goes by, I'll understand.
Lets pretend that I moved on, then I'll tell myself that life goes on without you. Open my eyes, look deep inside, I run away.
When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy.. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.
This was the scene ten years ago.
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.
Dew came into my life.
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her. Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife.. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.
However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.
Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes. Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.
When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry.. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.
Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.
She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken. She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning. I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically.
I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.
On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain.. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head. Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old. I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.
She looked at me, astonished. Then she touched my forehead. You got no fever.. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.
I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.
Been through just about everything that I could go through when it comes to relationships. Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen. When I told myself that was it but here I go hurt again cause of my curiosity now that its over what else could it be besides a cheat?
I made a promise never to settle but why didn't I keep it cause I needed the heart break, crying and cheating the fooling around
Its a shame in a way cause I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me. Did I leave you this year? I didn't find a face. Will my true love ever be how could I go on a search again when I know what the end will be? What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?
I'm not going through emotions, waiting and a hoping you call me. You mighta had me open but I must be going because I got lots to do. I know I'm usually hanging on. I used to hate to see you go but this time its different I don't even feel the distance.
No I can't be with you cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me. I can't keep going through life unaware of what I'm missing or the person that I could be. Loves good when its right, bad when its left. In your memory all the time anytime I guess love will be nice for someone.
This is life.
I know is that I'm really tired, yet I can't seems to be resting my mind.
Anyway, about resigning my work. I'm still under consideration. Though I've became a "No-life" person, I'm already used to that. What if sometime later I become alife? Oh well.. Whatever.
Had a great chat with dad. And I guess, he understands what I really want. He doesn't seems to be going agaist what I want my life to be. And I finally understood what life means.
Be it working at which line, you will be doing the same thing over and over again. So even if I change my job, life will still be the same. I will still have to step into working society, and get over with it when I'm old. But how long can I be holding on?
Dad encourage me to study. Yes, this is what I want. I want to study once again. But fincial wise, there's a little hard to get it thru. I'm glad that Bro is behind me with the money. And I believe that Miss Elina will help me with finding school. (AGREE ELINA!?) I'm so thankful that I've such a lovely family. (:
And the most daring thing that I've done was that I finally told my dad that I've step into church! And accept Christ in my life! And I'm so glad that he didn't say that he disagree of me going! 3cheers for myself.
Right now, I think I should offline and go sleep... I need rest.....
I've faxed down my resignation letter today, I don't know if I will regret. But right now, all I know is I'm very tired, and I need a shoulder for me to lean on, for me to cry on.. I need You
Been talking over the phone with darling, discussing where should we go this coming month. Still wondering should we go Thailand or KL cum Genting. And silly her SMS-ing me "Ask gui pa if he wanna go with us. This can help you to win him back." And I'm like "WTH"
Seriously, going to anyway its ok with me, I just wanna enjoy and relax myself SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. Because I need a break! Been thinking if I should, or should not? And this question pop out my mind of wanting to give up with I have right now, and convert to PPT[Part timer]. Giving up with I have right now, might be dumb, cause I finally have a so-called stable job, but I choose to give up.
The reason why I came up with this thought was because I need more time for myself and my friends rather then work. Work 44hours per week. 5.5working days. With 1 off. That off day always doesnt seems to be telly with my friends. Be it Darling, or KS or even Ong.
Each and everyone of us have our own stuffs to be busy on, be it study or work. I'm really struggling myself right now. And what's worst is that I don't even have time to spend with my family. And that really sucks. To be frank, time management is how human find. But my job doesn't seems to be co-operating with me. *argh*
At this moment I feel like giving up. At least I've more time for everyone, including myself. Talking about off day. Yesterday was my off day, ended up going to Dental, and going to shop to do all my stuffs that left undo, and, what's worst is that taking my off day to go to see doctor.
And, that stupid blood test cost me $70! ITS SO EXPENSIVE! There's a ouch within myself! I hope things will be fine for the test. Anyway, after seeing doctor, meet up with BUBU! Finally she's back in SINGAPORE!! Slack around with her cousin from Vit, together till about 4pm. Headed home, and guess what? I sleep throughout the night!
Suppose to be meeting up with Terance for dinner, turn out when I woke up, it was 11pm close to 12am! That's how tired I am. I enjoy sleeping with the wu gui that darling bought for me, and of course the Pooh Bear that he gave. Oh whatever. Wei Qiang is back in Singapore. Wondering if time allow me to meet up with him. Took up the courage to meet him up yesterday, but he didn't reply me. Oh well.
Right now, my hand is tired, cause its been long since I type so long things at such a short time, cause my bed, wu gui and Pooh Bear are calling me. Its time for me to shower and sleep. Tomorrow Morning shift, follow by Full shift and 6/C.
Sunday will be CHC 17th year old birthday! Well, see you guys at Kallang Indoor Stadium! I gonna enjoy myself so much that day! Cause I believe service will be good! Anything just beep me from the phone, and right now, gonna shower and sleep!
Thailand or Malaysia?
There's a ouch in my heart. I don't know why, but I feel the pain.
I've got a piece of paper; But it's Empty
{/ --
Friday, August 25, 2006 ( 8/25/2006 09:53:00 PM )
7more days to Thailand.
Seriously, I'm excited with it, and I doubt I be able to enjoy myself. Meeting on Thursday, Sunday be doing conversation. Which means I'm able to attend meeting, but not conversation. Out of a sudden, I don't feel like going anywhere.
I'm tired, I'm just tired. I don't feel like blogging. I wanna be left alone, so does YOU.
{/ --
Friday, August 18, 2006 ( 8/18/2006 01:03:00 PM )
Was a very tired day yesterday. Indeed tired. Maybe because these few days I didnt sleep early, plus talking over the phone with Matt till late, and waking up early in the morning. Didnt blame Matt over it, but instead blaming myself. Cause I know its gonna be a very shag week, but I choose to stay up and chat over the phone.
Anyway, was fasting yesterday. 6am - 6pm. I already endure till I can't take it, finally take my first bite of food at 530pm. I know its only 1/2hr more to break fast, but I don't know why I choose to eat.
Mum cook lunch yesterday. Its so tempting to eat, but I rush out and choose not to see the food. Walking thru City Link, there's my favourite, SAKAE!! And lots of nice food.. But I choose to walk fast and pass thru it fast. Cause I know they're trying to tempt me and I know I will endure till the end.
Reach shop, after briefing, was rushing to do conversation. Turn the whole shop upside down just for today mid year sales. I was busy doing shifting and she's busy looking at the transfer list, and the cashier counter chatting over the phone. And I was left alone at the selling floor. Which I don't like. And to be frank, I cant be bother to serve customer. So I ended up doing whatever I want to do till 530pm and I sign out for my very first meal.
My day was really bad. I don't know why! Maybe because... Never mind. Anyway, my leave approve, there's a transfer list. Seriously, I don't like the arrangement. I'm going overseas, and they sent a under probation senior for me. Which means, I'm not safe to pass him my shop. But thankful enough that I'm in In-Base. There's alot of other incharges in the shop. I believe they'll help me to see see look look.
I'm pretty excited about my trip. And I'm sorry YingYan Hunnie, can't turn up for your boy 1year old. I don't know how much I gonna enjoy, and I'm scare that I will spend like hell there. There's alot of shopping list coming out with, and lotsa friends presents I gonna buy for.. I think I gonna be broke..
Anyway, mum bought me a new cupboard to put my stuffs, I'm HAPPY please! Finally its much more bigger then the one I'm using it, PLUS! Its PINK! Which I hate it. Aww.. I'm happy!
I really wanna get out of here right now.. Someone please bring me along with you.. I need a break urgently.. 1st Sept, quick come..
{/ --
Thursday, August 17, 2006 ( 8/17/2006 11:38:00 AM )
Thank You.
And yes, I'm going over to Thailand! Leave approve after so long, and we manage to grab our air tickets.. Cool man. I've been waiting for SOOOO long. And yes, once again we're going to Thailand.
So yeah, depart from Singapore 0815hr on 1st Sept 06' and depart from Thailand on 4th Sept 06' around 1615hr. I'm pretty excited.. Cause my darling gonna make this trip perfect. All thanks to her for making the effort to go around the agent finding a air ticket that depart very early. (: And everything she's done, I love her more.
Blah, time to shower and gonna go work. Gonna be late...
Every day reminisce with the past of a love that we thought would last. How we used to be when it was you and me how did it all disappear so fast? There are days that I can't forget, there are things that I now regret. I was there for you when you were there for me and I was thinking we were set. Every night when I'm laying in my bed I hear your voice going round in my head think of all the things I could have done and all those things I could have said I really will make it up to you. I know now what I've got to do, it took time but now I've realised how much I'm missing you.
You know that it's true. Every time I see your face I miss you baby. You know that it's you I want to let you know you're driving me crazy I'd do anything to help you to see. I don't think you understand what you're doing to me you know that it's true. Every now and then I want to call you baby you know that it's you, I say a prayer that you'll come back to me. Life ain't anything alone, can't you see you're an angel in my eyes, everyday you're closer to me
{/ --
Tuesday, August 15, 2006 ( 8/15/2006 12:18:00 AM )
mon - full
tues - morning
wed - full
thur - afternoon
fri - off
sat - 1/2m
sun - afternoon
what a shag shift. what's worst is that tues there will be meeting after closing of shop. which means after 730pm - 1030pm i've nothing to do!? oh man... shag.. shag.. shag..
{/ --
Thursday, August 10, 2006 ( 8/10/2006 11:17:00 PM )
I'm sorry.
Was wondering what happen to me recently. Mood being real down. Suddenly, I just feel that the world is dying, everyone seems to be strangers to me, and I feel so lonely. And for no reason, I just broke down and cry.
Everything seems to be fine between me & darling. But until today, she told me all the craps I've done towards her. Somehow I feel so down, and cried while on the way to town. Yes, inside the MRT train. Was wondering what's really wrong with me. And what's worst, I cancel the trip to Thailand just because of this minor accident.
Been thinking alot recently. The changes I've with me after I've receive Christ in my life. Getting trasnfer, probation SSA1, learn more things, and of course, get the recongisation that I really want. Outshine others. God been very faithful to me, answering all my prayers, but did I do the same to Him?
And I worship You Lord, my life in You restored. Here is my heart, make it Your sanctuary, for nobody else, but Jesus only You. You are faithful and true, glorious Lord. All my life it is You I adore, You've touched my soul, completed my world, I surrender to You.
Forgive me, I'm just not myself these few days. I need a break. I really need a break.. I'm breaking and falling apart soon.. I need someone to lean on.. Will You be here right by my side?
{/ --
( 8/10/2006 02:08:00 PM )
Just yesterday, you were looking up to me. And, You would ask me what I thought. But now I'm sitting here all alone with my tears. Looking at my life, that I've bought. Where did I go? My eyes, they will show. And little me please forgive me. I couldn't see you hurting inside.
You took your love away, too fast. Left no chance to say, look back. And now I know the truth, it makes it easier. You threw it all away, so blind. Pushed me far from you in your life. Now I know the tears wont lead to loneliness. Maybe when time goes by, I'll understand.
Lets pretend that I moved on, then I'll tell myself that life goes on without you. Open my eyes, look deep inside, I run away.
{/ --
Tuesday, August 08, 2006 ( 8/08/2006 10:35:00 AM )
When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms
On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy.. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.
This was the scene ten years ago.
The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.
Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.
Dew came into my life.
It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her. Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife.. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I've got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.
However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt.
Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.
One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.
When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes. Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.
When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly. She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry.. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!
That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.
Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.
She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month s time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken. She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning. I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically.
I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.
On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.
On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this.
I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain.. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head. Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old. I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy.
I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.
She looked at me, astonished. Then she touched my forehead. You got no fever.. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.
I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.
{/ --
Saturday, August 05, 2006 ( 8/05/2006 11:27:00 PM )
Been through just about everything that I could go through when it comes to relationships. Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen. When I told myself that was it but here I go hurt again cause of my curiosity now that its over what else could it be besides a cheat?
I made a promise never to settle but why didn't I keep it cause I needed the heart break, crying and cheating the fooling around
Its a shame in a way cause I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me. Did I leave you this year? I didn't find a face. Will my true love ever be how could I go on a search again when I know what the end will be? What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?
I'm not going through emotions, waiting and a hoping you call me. You mighta had me open but I must be going because I got lots to do. I know I'm usually hanging on. I used to hate to see you go but this time its different I don't even feel the distance.
No I can't be with you cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me. I can't keep going through life unaware of what I'm missing or the person that I could be. Loves good when its right, bad when its left. In your memory all the time anytime I guess love will be nice for someone.
This is life.
{/ --
( 8/05/2006 11:06:00 PM )
I know is that I'm really tired, yet I can't seems to be resting my mind.
Anyway, about resigning my work. I'm still under consideration. Though I've became a "No-life" person, I'm already used to that. What if sometime later I become alife? Oh well.. Whatever.
Had a great chat with dad. And I guess, he understands what I really want. He doesn't seems to be going agaist what I want my life to be. And I finally understood what life means.
Be it working at which line, you will be doing the same thing over and over again. So even if I change my job, life will still be the same. I will still have to step into working society, and get over with it when I'm old. But how long can I be holding on?
Dad encourage me to study. Yes, this is what I want. I want to study once again. But fincial wise, there's a little hard to get it thru. I'm glad that Bro is behind me with the money. And I believe that Miss Elina will help me with finding school. (AGREE ELINA!?) I'm so thankful that I've such a lovely family. (:
And the most daring thing that I've done was that I finally told my dad that I've step into church! And accept Christ in my life! And I'm so glad that he didn't say that he disagree of me going! 3cheers for myself.
Right now, I think I should offline and go sleep... I need rest.....
{/ --
Friday, August 04, 2006 ( 8/04/2006 10:31:00 PM )
I've faxed down my resignation letter today, I don't know if I will regret. But right now, all I know is I'm very tired, and I need a shoulder for me to lean on, for me to cry on.. I need You
{/ --
Thursday, August 03, 2006 ( 8/03/2006 12:37:00 AM )
Been talking over the phone with darling, discussing where should we go this coming month. Still wondering should we go Thailand or KL cum Genting. And silly her SMS-ing me "Ask gui pa if he wanna go with us. This can help you to win him back." And I'm like "WTH"
Seriously, going to anyway its ok with me, I just wanna enjoy and relax myself SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. Because I need a break! Been thinking if I should, or should not? And this question pop out my mind of wanting to give up with I have right now, and convert to PPT[Part timer]. Giving up with I have right now, might be dumb, cause I finally have a so-called stable job, but I choose to give up.
The reason why I came up with this thought was because I need more time for myself and my friends rather then work. Work 44hours per week. 5.5working days. With 1 off. That off day always doesnt seems to be telly with my friends. Be it Darling, or KS or even Ong.
Each and everyone of us have our own stuffs to be busy on, be it study or work. I'm really struggling myself right now. And what's worst is that I don't even have time to spend with my family. And that really sucks. To be frank, time management is how human find. But my job doesn't seems to be co-operating with me. *argh*
At this moment I feel like giving up. At least I've more time for everyone, including myself. Talking about off day. Yesterday was my off day, ended up going to Dental, and going to shop to do all my stuffs that left undo, and, what's worst is that taking my off day to go to see doctor.
And, that stupid blood test cost me $70! ITS SO EXPENSIVE! There's a ouch within myself! I hope things will be fine for the test. Anyway, after seeing doctor, meet up with BUBU! Finally she's back in SINGAPORE!! Slack around with her cousin from Vit, together till about 4pm. Headed home, and guess what? I sleep throughout the night!
Suppose to be meeting up with Terance for dinner, turn out when I woke up, it was 11pm close to 12am! That's how tired I am. I enjoy sleeping with the wu gui that darling bought for me, and of course the Pooh Bear that he gave. Oh whatever. Wei Qiang is back in Singapore. Wondering if time allow me to meet up with him. Took up the courage to meet him up yesterday, but he didn't reply me. Oh well.
Right now, my hand is tired, cause its been long since I type so long things at such a short time, cause my bed, wu gui and Pooh Bear are calling me. Its time for me to shower and sleep. Tomorrow Morning shift, follow by Full shift and 6/C.
Sunday will be CHC 17th year old birthday! Well, see you guys at Kallang Indoor Stadium! I gonna enjoy myself so much that day! Cause I believe service will be good! Anything just beep me from the phone, and right now, gonna shower and sleep!
Thailand or Malaysia?
{/ --
Tuesday, August 01, 2006 ( 8/01/2006 10:53:00 PM )
There's a ouch in my heart. I don't know why, but I feel the pain.
If we; Should be getting under
These sheets; We could lie in this bed; But it's Empty
These sheets; We could lie in this bed; But it's Empty
Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard; Maybe we're torn apart
alan kor
albert
ann
ariane
ben
christine
daryn
elena
elina
huihui mummy
hq
J
javier
jo
kai sheng
kelvin
n282
rapheal
saren
sze li
sze yin
terrance
xindai
wei jie
william
yiping
ying yan
yuliana
butik gue
fashion stage
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Trying too hard; Maybe we're torn apart
{/links --
ctrl + left click
alan kor
albert
ann
ariane
ben
christine
daryn
elena
elina
huihui mummy
hq
J
javier
jo
kai sheng
kelvin
n282
rapheal
saren
sze li
sze yin
terrance
xindai
wei jie
william
yiping
ying yan
yuliana
{/online shopping --
butik gue
fashion stage
{/archives --
watch me waste my life away
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Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts; We're Empty
now playing
周杰伦 - 说好的幸福呢
你的回话凌乱着 在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽 甜蜜散落了
情绪莫名的拉扯 我还爱你呢
而你断断续续唱着歌 假装没事了
时间过了 走了 爱情面临选择
你冷了 倦了 我哭了
离开时的不快乐 你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这真的痛了
怎么了 你累了
说好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不说了
爱淡了 梦远了
(我都还记得)
开心与不开心一一细数着
你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻
我都还记得
你不等了
说好的 幸福呢
我错了 泪干了
放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢
Is beating our hearts; We're Empty
{/miscellaneous --
my virtual barang
now playing
周杰伦 - 说好的幸福呢
你的回话凌乱着 在这个时刻
我想起喷泉旁的白鸽 甜蜜散落了
情绪莫名的拉扯 我还爱你呢
而你断断续续唱着歌 假装没事了
时间过了 走了 爱情面临选择
你冷了 倦了 我哭了
离开时的不快乐 你用卡片手写着
有些爱只给到这真的痛了
怎么了 你累了
说好的 幸福呢
我懂了 不说了
爱淡了 梦远了
(我都还记得)
开心与不开心一一细数着
你再不舍
那些爱过的感觉都太深刻
我都还记得
你不等了
说好的 幸福呢
我错了 泪干了
放手了 后悔了
只是回忆的音乐盒还旋转着
要怎么停呢