{/profile --

ramblings of a young adult

There's so much error in my blog. ARgh, anyone willingly to help me? I'm getting pek chek over it. :(

In my darkest moments,
You're the light.
In my weakest moments,
You're the pillar.
In my happiest moments
You're the reason.
The reason for me to go on.

If love is like a ride,
You made it worthwhile.
If love is like a river,
Ours will always flow.
If love is a dream,
I would want to sleep forever.








I hate myself so much today, cause its grandpa death anninversary and I am at home sleeping.. Mum claims that I'm too tired to wake up. Indeed I am tired.. I need a break..

Sometimes i wonder
If i'd ever make it through
Through this world
Without having in you
I just wouldn't have a clue

Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free
And then i see you reach for me

Sometimes i wanna give up
Wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
And then i see you baby
And everything's alright
Everything's alright

Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do
What the touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that i ever knew

And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it
Cause you're here with me now
I wanna ask you baby
It's all i¹ll ever need
All i'll ever need

When i see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know i can do anything
When i see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh i see it shining
Right through the rain
When i see you smile baby
Baby when i see you smile at me

I need a break please..

Was wondering why am I so short tempered now. Yes I mean now! I'm very upset, really indeed upset. The moment I get home, but was so angry and asked me why am I home so late whereby its only 11pm the most. I just keep quiet and said "mum, dad, I need to talk to you."

I went to my room, put my bag & jacket down. The moment I step into living room, dad stand up and walk away. I'm pretty upset and I really did use a nice tone of voice. Again I repeated "mum, dad, I need to talk to you." Dad didn't say anything but mum said, sit down and chat. But dad just walk out and walk into his room.

And to my surprise I said "Fine, don't talk." And i head to toilet and shower. I went into my parent's room and took my contact lens casing. They were like saying "come, sit down and talk." And I've no idea why, and I guess I'm wrong for doing this, I said, "If you've nothing to listen, fine, I've nothing to say." And I just slam the door room and walk out.

Weeping badly right now. Called you was hoping you will console me but instead you said if this gonna create more misunderstanding between my parents and you, then I shall go thailand with Xindai. Why most you talk like this? WHY!AND SERIOUSLY I HATE IT! I'm upset because I want to go with you. But since you said it like this, fine, just cancel that freaking idea. You're making me much more upset. Just go away.

I dont know what to blog about. All I know is that I'm hoping that one day, people will appreciate the things I do. Instead of getting mad at me. I feel like an idiot now, but I know, I will be able to get thru it.

Ah, I wanna go overseas.. THAILAND.. Xindai, you better figure out what to do alright. My birthday!

I'm proud to say that I've made up my mind of quitting smoking. Oh yes, this is the 3rd or 4th time I'm saying it. And yes, this will be my goal. Not gonna smoke either am I gonna touch it. (:

Had plans with Matt that we might be going overseas during my birthday. That's provided mum gonna give a green light about it. Been asking her about it but as usual she gonna say "Ask dad about it. I don't want to make a deceision. I don't want you to come back and tell me you wanna get married." I'm like @^#(%*%&#(*$# when she said that. I guess she has her own reason.

Had a coversation with mum yesterday. And out of no where, she talk to me about religion. First she asked me why am I going to church? Follow by what I've learnt from the services. And lastly, she asked: "If I die, will you still hold onto the joss stick and pray for me?"

This question stop me and think. The reason why I go to church is because, I wanna draw closer to God. And I've learnt alot of things in the service. Maybe like, The purpose of life. (Which was shared during the last service.) and lastly, I dont know if I will hold onto the joss stick when she leave. I know very well that someday she will leave, but I don't know.

I guess somehow mum getting upset when she know I'm commited to church. This and that.. Plus she's been telling me, how are you gonna communicate to Matt's parents whereby you're saying "amen" and they're saying "o-mi-tuo-fo"

Jesus is my Saviour. God is my Father. This thing I won't deny. God changed my life. He gave me countless of blessing in terms of career, relationships and more. And of course getting closer to Him. I not gonna backslide again, either do I wanna give up my life again. Cause I know I'm in this world for a reason.

When the music
All is stripped way
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than song
For a song in Itself
Is not what You have required

You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And its all about You
It's all about you Jesus

I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it
When its all about You
It's all about you Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
ANd through all these years
All I have is Yours
Every single breath

3 year ago..

I was studying for my N's level. The phone rang, I went to pick up. Its my mum.. She requested me to help her at the shop. And there I went. Less the 2 hours a phone call from my brother..

Mum stare into the space when she answer the phone. And the phone drop. I ask her what's wrong. I can't believe my ears.. My beloved grandpa left me..

We rush to Changi Hospital. And I hate it! Because of SARS everyone have to take temperature, register and stuffs. But we hack care. We rush to the lift, and head up to the ward..

By the time we reach the ward, grandpa already left me. I can't even hold onto his hand anymore. The nurse there already tie his hand up.. I walked over, staring at it, having no idea what to do, or how to react.. Tears keep rolling down my cheeks.. Non-stop..

Grandpa was lucky enough.. Having all my 5aunts, my 2 uncles, 1 auntie as well as my brother and my dad by his side when he pass away.. I didn't make it on time when I reached there.. But I know that grandpa is standing beside me even now..



3 year and 2 months back..

I was in schoolSitting at the basketball court at around 4pm. Looking at friends play basketball. My pocket vibrate, I answer the call. It was mum.. She told me that grandpa met an accident and was at hospital.

Walking back to canteen to pack my bag, went to General Office to ask for early dismiss. Mrs Tan and Mr Ho was in the VP room talking to VP. And I left school head towards dad shop..

Grandpa was actually walking home and he fell down. Suffer from some injuries only.. But when I went to hospital, things are not what I heard from my mum. I guess she's trying to console me, afterall grandpa is my loved one..

Grandpa's neck was actually broken, that explain why he had to go for operation to remove the broken bones inside.. That's not it, his legs and hands also have blue-black. I guess he was trying to grab things and he fell down..

He was sent to hospital by some strangers. His wallet, watch, pen and everything was still with him. But why? Why was there a blue black on his left eye? Did someone actually tried to rob him? Till now, no one know why..

When I visited him, he actually can talk to me, but the words were not very clear. I remember vividly that time he was at ICU he hold onto my hand so tightly and he said in Hakka asking me to bring him home.. Tears rolled down my cheeks when I know I can't do anything. And I actually replied him that two more days I will bring you home. But I didn't know he didn't make it home..

For continous two long months.. In and out of ICU, normal ward. Almost everyday I went to see him. I still remember that my brother went there stright away after school. And his GF didn't even went down at all.. Not even once.. When he really need her, she's not by his side.. Understand the feelings?

He didn't make it.. He was having high fever for the last 3 days of his life. What really pissed me off was actually the doctor didn't have any idea why my grandpa pass away. All my uncles, aunts and my dad requested not to bring the body for knowing the reason why he pass away. But damn the doctor, he said "law by law"

I really hate it. He already die, is there a need to know why he die? Hello? He had stay in the hospital for 2long months, you don't even know why!? What type of doctor are you? Keep pushing the blames to other units doctor?

05 October 2003 12:43pm Changi Hospital Ward 36 Bed 35



During the period preparing for the wake, I still remember that Alan[my neighbour] bring me over to one studio. We went there to frame up the picture and the picture was actually taken on 2002. Mum requested for a brand new wedding photo. So grandpa also went to take.. Holding onto the picture so tight that I scare I will drop it.

Monday[The first day of the wake] went to school to have my paper. Reach home, change to white or black and rush down to Bedok for the wake. Stay there till 11pm or even 12am.. Everytime I see my grandpa's lying inside the coffin, I can't imaging that. I can't accept it. He's so dear to me, why? Why he had to leave me? There are so many unfulil promises that I made.

Thursday. I remember that last year was having Geography paper. I didn't went to school because I'm a history student. I hold onto my mum so tight that I scare she will faint. Sending my grandpa's body to burn.. The journey is long, my heart was aching. The moment I saw the people pushing my grandpa's body into the fire I screamed, I yelled. Cause I know even if he's alive, he will be burnt to death inside.. I can't get back my grandpa..

Grandpa is always nice to me. When I was young, I used to stay with him. Still remember that he hold onto my hand, bringing me to school.. Waited for hours until my school over. Together with grandma walked to Bedok interchange to have our lunch. His favourite KFC.. After that sometimes he will bring me to watch movie at Princess..

He always called me, to ask when will I go down to find him. I always give him excuese just because I'm lazy. And everytime I rejected him, I feel bad. He just quietly hang up the phone.

There was once, my dad bought HP for my sister. I've been bugging him for one. He promise he will get me one on my birthday. But he didn't keep his promise. I went home, I pack my stuffs and head towards grandpa's place. To my surprise grandpa called dad and gave him a good scolding.. Grandpa promise to get me one HP. And the following week, I get a HP from him.. Nokia 8250.

There are many many more precious memories that will never fade away. Grandpa doesn't live in this world. But he lives in my heart. God taken him away because He don't want grandpa to suffer in this world.

The only 1 family photo.. The one that I cherish alot...



Grandpa, your death anniversary is coming. Its 3 years since you left the world, and I know you never leave me before. I just wanna say I miss you. And I always love you.

I'm getting too restless recently. I've no idea why. Back in Marina Square, 3full shifts doesn't seems to be a problem to me. But right now at Suntec, 1full shift will kill me. Maybe because its far too bored over there. Argh.

Public holiday coming, which means everyone will be much more shag. Plus there's a promotion going on. And its a long weekend. Sigh. TIRED TIRED TIRED..

Nothing much to blog about, plus I've no idea what to blog about. All I wanna say is that THANK YOU Mr Matthew Low for the past 2months of loves. 2months pass so fast. Do remember our Thailand/Taiwan trip. :) Love you darling.

Was reading one passage, and evenutally this strikes my mind. Though its not the first time I'm reading it.

There is no one or nothing more valuable to Father God in this universe than His Son, Jesus. Yet with this purchase God declared our value as compare to His greatest treasure. Here is something amazing: if we would have been worth one cent less to God than the value of Jesus, Himself, the Father would never have given Him, for God never makes unprofitable deals!

Do you see how important you are to the Father? Jesus comfirms this by saying, "I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me. Father, I want these whom you have given me to be with me where I am. Then they can see all the glory you gave me because you loved me even before the world began!" John 17:22-24.


And a nice quote to share.
"For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?"
Matt 16:26

Like I said, I'm bored. Was looking at my photos. I mean those old photos that I've set as my slide show during screen saver time. I realise, there's alot of people who walk pass my life, and I didn't manage to say a proper goodbye.

Though some of them are still in contact, but we're no longer that close anymore. But I just wanna say a big THANK YOU. For being part of my life before, and always being here with me during my darkest period of my life.


Queensfield peeps. Edna, Christine, Saren, Cherlyn. Staying together during O level period. Though we're in different paths right now, sincerly wishing you guys all the best.


Jee Jee. The one and only Giordano peeps that being so close to me. Seriosuly, I miss your cooking!


SS07. Parkway S&K. I miss the fun we've in the shop. And all the craps that we've back then. The way we chiong sales like mad. Seriously, without you guys, there won't be a me right now. Thank you.


Ah boon aka Huey Wen. I've nothing to say about you. Other then all the funny things that we shared, and the 38-ness that we have. Thank you sister.


The wonderful incharges in TM S&K. Liling and Chloe. Thank you for guiding me along throughout my starting part of my life. The way I am now, all thanks to your patience and whatever. Thank you.


Chloe, thank you for being such a wonderful friend of mine. Able to stay with me whenever I cried, I laugh, I success. And able to be with me to celebrate my joy when I get promoted.


Bubu, you're the best sister I've in my life.


Vivien, for giving me so much precious memeories I've when I club.


Edward. Thank you for being someone special before. Seriously, I appreciate all the things you've done for me.


Xindai. No words can desrcribe how precious you are to me!

Lastly,

I don't know what to thanks, other then giving me so much memories back in The Reef. I miss The Reef, and I miss you guys. (: I miss drawing at the board.

The splender of the King
Clothed in majesty
Let the earth rejoice
Let the earth rejoice

He wraps Himself in light
And darkness tries to hide
It trembles at His voice
It trembles at His voice

How great is our God
Sing with me
How great is Our God
All will see how great
How great is our God

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the end
Beginning and the end
The God head three in one
Father, Spirit, Son
The Lion and The Lamb
The Lion and The Lamb

Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

Yesterday full shift. Seriously I'm really tired. Was home pretty late the day before, plus a whole day of work, sales meeting, really wear me out. I need to clear my AL SOON! Short trip please!

Went to Momo yesterday. Seriously, the Long Island Tea sucks. That freaking jar cost us $49. And we've been trying hard to finish the drink, in the end, we play Hei-bai-che.

Went to the dance floor, I realise someone been staring at us, when I turn, its Kelvin Khua. Muhaha, its been long since I've saw him! He bring us to his table, and I'm surprise to see familiar faces like YiHan, Wei Li,Raj and blah blah blah. (the rest I can't remember, not important anyway.)

Momo is still fun. As fun as before. Its been donkey years since I've club, and since I've step into Momo. I miss the fun. But hey, I can only do that once in awhile.

Alright, I'm pretty hangover. Sakae dinning later. Oh man, I miss the fun with Ong & KS. (:

Was wondering if I should take up some new courses to make my life more busy. I know work load is a burden to me, plus having so little time with my friends. I guess, I should have a new course to make myself more busy, so that I won't be hanging around the malls and where-ever.

Was at chruch last sunday, and Pastor talk about how City Harvest has went thru throughout this 17years. And, I saw that CHC actually opened a dance school that called O School Argh.

THE CHOICE

He placed one scoop of clay upon another until a form lay lifeless on the ground. All of the Garden's inhabitants paused to witness the event. Hawks hovered. Giraffes stretched. Trees bowed. Butterflies paused on petals and watched.

"You will love me, nature," God said. "I made you that way. You will obey me, universe. For you are destined to do so. You will reflect my glory, skies, for that is how you were created. But this one will be like me. This one will be able to choose."

All was silent as the Creator reached into Himself and removed something yet unseen. A seed. "It's called 'choice'. The seed of choice." Creation stood in silence and gazed upon the lifeless form. An angel spoke, "But what if he..."

"What if he chooses not to love?" the Creator finished. "Come, I will show you." Unbound by today, God and the angel walked into the realm of tomorrow. "There, see the fruit of the seed of choice, both the sweet and bitter." The angel gasped at what he saw. Spontaneous love. Voluntary devotion. Chosen tenderness. Never had he seen anything like these. He felt the love of the Adams. He heard the joy of Eve and her daughters. He saw the food and marveled at the warmth. "Heaven has never seen such beauty, my Lord. Truly, this is your greatest creation."

"Ah, but you've only seen the sweet. Now witness the bitter." A stench enveloped the pair. The angel turned in horror and exclaimed, "What is it?" The Creator spoke only one word: "Selfishness." The angel stood speechless as they passed through centuries of repugnance. Never had he seen such filth. Rotten hearts. Ruptured promises. Forgotten loyalties. Children of the creation wandering blindly in lonely labyrinths.
"This is the result of the choice?" the angel asked.
"Yes."
"They will forget you? They will reject you?"
"Yes."
"They will never come back?"
"Some will. Most won't."
"What will make them listen?"

The Creator walked on in time, further and further into the future, until He stood by a tree. A tree that would be fashioned into a cradle. Even then, He could smell the hay that would surround Him.With another step into the future, He paused before another tree. It stood alone, a stubborn ruler of a bald hill. The trunk was thick, the wood was strong. Stony brow of another hill. And soon He would be mounted on it. He felt the wood rub against a back he did not yet wear. "Would you go down there?" the angel asked. "I will."
"Is there no other way?"
"There isn't."
"Wouldn't it be easier to not plant the seed? Wouldn't it be easier to not give the choice?"
"It would," the Creator spoke slowly. "But to remove the choice is to remove the love." He looked around the hill and foresaw a scene. Three figures hung on three crosses. Arms spread. Heads fallen forward. They moaned with the wind. Men clad in soldiers' garb sat on the ground near the trio. They played games in the dirt and laughed. Men clad in religion stood off to one side. They smiled. Arrogant, cocky. They had protected God, they thought, by killing this false one. Women clad in sorrow huddled at the foot of the hill... Speechless.

Faces tear-streaked. Eyes downward. One put her arm around another and tried to lead her away. She wouldn't leave. "I will stay," she said softly. "I will stay." All heaven stood to fight. All nature rose to rescue. All eternity poised to protect. But the Creator gave no command. "It must be done..." He said, and withdrew. But as he stepped back in time, He heard the cry that He would someday scream: "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" He wrenched at tomorrow's agony.
The angel spoke again. "It would be less painful..." The Creator interrupted softly. "But it wouldn't be love."

They stepped into the Garden again. The Maker looked earnestly at the clay creation. A monsoon of love swelled up within Him. God's form bent over the sculptured face and breathed. Dust stirred on the lips of the new one. The chest rose, cracking the red mud. The cheeks freshened. A finger moved and an eye opened.But more incredible than the moving of flesh was the stirring of the spirit. Those who could see the unseen gasped. Perhaps it was the wind who said it first. Perhaps what the stars saw that moment is what has made them blink ever since. Maybe it was left to an angel to whisper it: "It looks like...it appears so much like...it is Him!" The angel wasn't speaking of the face, the features, or the body. He was looking inside--at the soul. "It's eternal!" gasped another.

Within the man, God had placed a divine seed. A seed of His self. The God of might had created, not a creature, but another creator. And the One who had chosen to love had created one who could love in return.

Have there ever been times in your life when you doubted God's power? Surely if He was the God who made the heavens and the earth, how could He allow my friend to die? How could He allow millions to starve every night? Isn't God supposed to be almighty?

Let's stop blaming God and blame ourselves. He spared not even Himself to bring about the salvation of man. He knew that He could lose us and yet created us. The most beautiful of all is that He gave us a choice to love Him because He first Loved us.

By Max Lucado



Well, got this from Sister Sze Yin's blog. Its true and I strongly agree that God gave us a choice to love Him because He first loved us. And Lord, I wanna draw closer to You.

Days been fine, other then having 2off days this week, and yeah, this coming week. I'm so glad that friends are staying right beside me to walk with me throughout the darkest side of my days.

Trying their best just to make me smile, trying to make me cry out when I know that the tears are so dried. Though I've been promoted, I never being happy. If I never being happy, why must I be promoted? I rather be a normal senior and be happy.

Getting excited. Next week gonna be a busy busy week. Bible study starting next week, Sakae-ing with Ong & KS, Sales Meeting on Wednesday(THIS GONNA FREAK ME OUT), Momo-ing on Wednesday, Thursday off. Darling's friend birthday on Saturday. Its gonna be BUSY BUSY AND BUSY! I guess, I don't have much time to think about other stuffs, cause all I know is I gonna enjoy. I miss MOMOo

Sometimes, You might be right beside me, and I didn't feel Your presence. Did I lost faith with you? Or have You lost faith towards me?

Off day is by spending the entire day doing nothing but sleeping? Seriously, its been long since I've do that. Ususally my off day will be out at where-ever.

Woke up at close to 12pm today, slack around, and head down to daddy shop to help out. And in the end, wasn't helping out, but sleeping. By the time mum got home was close to 630pm. And I planned to meet Xindai. But she's still at Orchard. By the time I reach Orchard will be late, I might as well stay at home.

And now, I'm bored. Seems like most of the East side people are dead. Argh.. Should I head out? Or should I stay at home?

empty post.

J wrote me a poem. Its so nice. Seriously, thank you for that. Which I really appreciate it. Here it goes.

What if

What if I wrote you a song
To tell you how much meant to me
Would you cry to those words
And held on to me dearly ?

What if I recite you a poem
To confess how you made me melt
Would you pick me up
And solidify me once again ?

What if I drew you a picture
A portrait of your beautiful face
Would it touch your heart
And tell how much I love you?

What if I had no talents at all
And I have nothing like such to offer

Write no songs to tears you
Recite no poems to melt you
And draw no pictures to touch you

Would you;
Still love me like before ?

Note: Ebel, this is specially for you. J. do know you will prefer his darker works any day but he reckon something nice would do well for once? Hope you like this one and may you have a peaceful week ahead.

And this is a phrase from bible that Sze Yin shared.

Matthew 7:7-12
7 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. 9 Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! 12 Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

My life is all about work. I've a very dull life. Should I plan for my next trip? Thailand again? Or should I go Taiwan or Hong Kong?

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another day
A kiss up on my cheek
He's here reluctantly
As if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

Our Love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore (anymore)

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer (a murderer)

No no no no

Yeah yeah yeah

Seriously, I miss the freedom I used to have... I miss clubbing, I miss chilling at coffee bean/starbucks with my bud like KS, Ong, Bubu, Xindai. And I miss chilling at The Reef. The place where I cried, I smiled, I celebrated, I found them at. The place fill with precious memories..

Time for work. Suntec City, a new challange for me. :)

I've been thinking about my career route. And I realise I've been moving too fast.

May 05' TM S&K as a part-timer.
Dec 05' Convert full-timer. As TSSA. (Training Senior Sales Assos)
1st March 06' Comfirm Senior. Was at TM S&K as 5th in-charge.
Mass transfer, was moving up to 3rd in-charge.
3rd Apr 06' Transfer to Parkway as 3rd in-charge, then within 1month, move up to 2nd in-charge.
June 06' Transfer to Marina Square.
July 06' Probation SSA1.
1st Oct 06' Comfirm SSA1.

Within my full-timer life, less then a year, in fact only 4months, I move up to a 1st incharge of the shop. That's really fast. And as a comfirm SSA1 I took 3months of hard work. Consider fast, and in fact really fast.

Somehow, people thought that I've used dirty ways to get to the place I am now, but seriously, I'm NOT! I've put through alot of hard work, and I hope that someone will recongise me. In fact, someone did. All these are my hard work, and I deserve the pay that I'm offer now. (:

I've been waiting for this day so long. I finally get promoted. I'm happy, and I'm please.. But...

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watch me waste my life away

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